CONFESSION- The One That Got Away.

Three years ago, at a crossroad in my life and my career, I was desperate for some guidance. I decided to seek out answers from a psychic. Unaware of what to expect, I went in ready to listen to whatever she had to say open-mindedly. I went in with the tactic to say nothing and let her do all the talking (you know to make sure I wasn’t feeding her information to build off), I was presently surprised.

She spoke of my deceased father and grandfather, who’s presence was in the room. She told me she could see me in my job and explained it to me in great detail (she was correct). She told me that I was going to be interviewed and could see me talking into a microphone. I was also going to enter and win a race. A couple of months later, all of this did happen. I was an interview, and on the news and I did enter a competition and win. I couldn’t help but ask about my love life and if she could see anything for that. She said she saw a tall man, with brown wavy hair and who is gentle-natured. She said she could see my dad drawing a figure eight (the sign for infinity) with his hands. She explained, there is someone that will be going in and out of my life for a while. After a long time apart, we will come back together, like the unbreakable chain of the infinity symbol. I had an idea as to who she was referring.

Two months later, I was back in New Zealand, back at my old job and back in the same town as my ex. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a year. These moments in time are the last of our story. This is where the chain breaks.

The knock on my door made my stomach flip. I couldn’t believe he was willing to meet up. As the door slid open he walked in, tall, rugged and looking so dam fine. After an exchange of hugs and how are yous, we walked out the door to the local cafe. Sipping on our coffees, we caught up on the time we had missed together. He spoke of his season in Europe, and I spoke of mine in Canada. Nearing the end of our coffees, he reached for my hand and held it, he looked at me and smiled. His touch, melting me into a puddle.

We left and walked for an hour around town as we continued our catch up. Like the perfect gentleman he is, he walked me home. Standing on the porch saying our goodbyes, I was not expecting it, but he leant in and kissed me. This kiss sent my knees weak; I had longed for this kiss for so many months. The adrenaline running through me made me shake as nerves and excitement covered every inch of my body.

I asked him inside.

Standing in the living room looking at one another, I wondered what he was thinking. My question answered by him walking over, placing his hands around the back of my head and pulling me in for yet another passionate kiss. He picked me up; I locked my legs around his waist, he walked me down the hall into my bedroom.

After, we laid in silence and looked into each other’s eyes. The smile he had on his face, disappeared, and I could see the look of what have I done wash straight across him. I knew at that moment; he was reliving all the breakups, the hurt and the pain I once caused. I could see, in one moment, he felt he made a terrible mistake.

As time passed and the weeks went by, we tried to avoid one another. I knew he wanted space from me; I chose to respect that by keeping my distance. It was the least I could do. However, the undeniable draw we had for each other pulled us in once again.

I wanted the chance to say I was sorry and that I just wanted to be friends. Our jobs, our social circles kept us in close proximities, and I wanted to make sure it could be as pleasant as possible for both of us. I sent one text, stating just that. He replied with ‘I need to talk to you, can I come round’. I was mentally preparing for our last goodbye. I knew, for me, it was going to be soul-crushing, but he deserved a clean break.

He walked in and sat down.

He began to tell me I had ruined everything coming back this season. He said he tried with all of his power to get over me, though he couldn’t. I was on his mind at every minute at every point of the day. He missed me, and that is was killing him. I started to cry. I felt the same way, my feeling never, even after the breakups; I too felt the same draw, he nor I could escape it.

We spent the next few months reestablishing our bond, enjoying every moment together. Our last adventure together was spent sailing around the coast of New Zealand. Just him and I and the open sea.

I left one week after that sailing trip ended; I had committed to another winter season in the northern hemisphere. We spoke for a month then lost contact. I didn’t hear from him again until I had returned home. I received a message asking how I was; I told him i was great, and it was nice to be back home. I then disclosed, I was now seeing someone and in a new relationship. So was he.

(Read Confessions- The Ex-Files, this is where the two stories meet up).

To my ex,
I’m sorry if our yo-yo relationship took a toll on you and your emotions. I know it did mine. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you over the years, and I’m sorry for walking out on you twice. I’m happy that you are finally in a stable and healthy relationship and that she ticks all of your boxes. I’m glad you finally found your person.

To myself,
I’m sorry you still can’t break free of this, and I’m sorry you continue to carry a torch for him. I am sorry that no matter who you meet now, he is the benchmark. I’m sorry I was never able to be that person for him.
I’m sorry, you can’t move on, even after all these years.

I apologise.