This confession I have never shared, no one has ever heard this story. I’m sharing this story now because in the spirit of honesty, soul cleansing and this conscience clearing experiment, I felt this story needed to come out of the vault. This blog is my journal, and I’m hoping that sharing this will help me to begin to forgive myself for the terrible choices I made in my past.
Roughly five years ago, I made a horrible judgement call, one decision that, to this day, still haunts me. I have never been able to forgive myself for the choices I made that day. I was in Canada, enjoying my first winter season employed at a local mountain. At the time, I was in a relationship, though we were doing long distance as he was with a mutual friend at another resort. The season started fantastically; I was getting loads of work, progressing in my career at that time and had made lots of new friends, some of which I’m still best mates with today.
This story really begins with my first encounter with the tall English guy. One morning I was standing in a team huddle hearing listening to the morning meeting. Next thing I know I hear a whisper in my ear. He, the tall English guy, has lent in and said: “I have this urge to push you over”. I remember just laughing and thinking, well no one has ever said that to me before. As random as that comment was, he managed to get what he wanted out of it, my attention. My next encounter with the tall English lad was while I was running around panicked. I had accidentally given a child, who was gluten intolerant, a cookie (found out later they weren’t, so they were fine). I ran down to the kitchen, and while I was asking about the ingredients, he hugged me to reassure me that that is was okay. I heard him sniff my hair while I was in his embrace. Me being me I asked him about it, he shrugged it off as if he hadn’t done it. You would think by this stage I would have understood that these were his childish games of flirting. By the third encounter, I got the message loud and clear; he was flirting with me. The tall English guy was leaving on a road trip. On his departure from our staff locker room, he turned and hugged me goodbye. The hug included a whisper of farewell and a squeeze of my butt. The next day I arrived at work and went to put my work boots on. Inside one of the works boots was a letter, yes it was from him. The message read “Ill miss you, XXXX”. By this stage, I was in full understanding that there was flirting going on, that was now hard to miss. I was officially sucked in by his charm; we were chatting and texting each day; I was now a willing participant in the whole charade. So much so I was starting to form feelings for him.
The flirting transformed into much more when he returned from his trip. One night in the laundry room (we lived in the same building), I’m still unsure how he managed to do this, the lights turned off while we were chatting and folding our laundry. When they flicked off, he walked towards me, gently placed his hands on my hips and pulled me in and kissed me. I remember our hands navigating each other’s bodies like we were searching for clues from one another. My heart was racing, and legs were trembling I recall feeling a rush of adrenaline shoot through my body. This kiss was the most intense thing I had ever felt. Mostly because of the fact I still had a boyfriend.
Said boyfriend come out to visit a few weeks later. Now by this stage, our relationship was already becoming rocky. And no its not just for the obvious reasons. Let me just put it this way, long-distance suck and is extremely hard. I’m impressed by any couple who makes it through to the other side. While the boyfriend was out on his visit, there was tension between us. I could feel our time had come to an end. The break up had been brewing for a couple of months, and we had mutually decided to break up while he was out on the trip. However, the night before we officially broke up, there was a staff party. I went, the boyfriend didn’t feel like coming along. The free drinks were flowing, and everyone had the best night dancing, chatting and laughing. At the end of the evening and when I was all liquored up, I headed home with a friend. While on the bus back home, I received a message from the tall English lad. He asked to meet me at his apartment. Me full of liquid stupidity went, not only went to his place but into his bedroom. We hung out chatted, kissed and cuddled for a few hours until we fell asleep.
I woke the next day and ran down the hall to my apartment, where the boyfriend greeted me. I had to lie and say there was a group of us chatting to al hours, and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I was still wearing English lads jumper. It didn’t take me long to decide I wanted to walk back down the hall; I had intended to return the jumper. Next minute I’m back in the room, more than the jumper off. At that moment, I made the worst mistake ever. I chose to sleep with another man while my current man was right down the hall. I left feeling sick and distraught, mortified at the choice I just made. I never knew I was capable of such a thing. The only right thing to do was to, in my head, break up with the boyfriend and let him leave without being double hurt. A breakup with a cheating scandal was not how I wanted to end things. Selfish, I know, but I felt like I was protecting him.
I got swept up in those moments and allowed myself to lose my morals and standards. I willingly participated in flirting and allowed that flirting to evolved into something more. I practised no self respect or respect for others peoples feelings. I lost my true self, and others had to suffer for my lack of judgement. My choice and my actions were appalling. I have hated myself for doing what is I did for the longest time. Its time I apologise.
To the boyfriend at the time, I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you, I’m sorry I did what I did to you behind your back. I’m sorry I treated you with such disrespect, you deserved so much better from me. The time we had together, I still hold and cherish deep in my heart, and I wish I never did what I did. You are a genuinely beautiful person, and I hope that you no one ever does that to you again.
You will never know how deeply sorry I am.